Monday, August 06, 2012

Marty McFly for President

The problems with Mitt Romney’s campaign (and they are legion) are best summarized by the name of his PAC:  “Restore Our Future.” 
It makes about as much sense as “Anticipate Our Past”—and it means precisely the same thing.
All kidding aside, as a lifelong grammarian (even longer than I’ve been a Democrat), I could never bring myself to vote for a man who can’t keep his tenses straight.  I’ll let you slide on a split infinitive, but when you think the future is the past, I must protest. 
Romney wants to bring us forward into yesterday—that glorious time when homosexuals stayed in the closet, women were mere baby machines, and greed was the only American value. 
I’ve been reading up on theoretical physics lately, and the whole concept of time travel and alternate realities completely stumped me.  But maybe Mitt’s smarter than I am when it comes to such things.  Apparently, there’s an alternate universe in which Obama lost the 2008 election, and by electing Romney we’ll somehow reinstate it.  You know, like that season of Dallas that was wiped away when Pam woke up and found the erstwhile dead Bobby in the shower.
Who needs Curiosity’s trip to Mars?  Mitt has already figured out how to take us back to the future.  I’m sure there’s a Martian colony somewhere in that future.  It’s probably where Mormon magic underwear meets the thetans of Scientology.  (Hey, I just thought of a surefire way to make the election interesting—Tom Cruise for VP, anyone?  I understand he has a little free time these days.)
I think I’m on to something here.  If Mitt let his hair go gray and went a little light on the gel, he could be a dead ringer for Christopher Lloyd.  And maybe it was a DeLorean that his dog rode atop on that infamous trip to Ontario.  It’s all starting to make sense now.
Like Marty McFly, Romney is intent on changing the past in order to improve the future.  He wants to jump into his time machine, rewind the clock a few years, and veto Romneycare.  And while he’s at it, he’ll neglect to say he’s “better than Ted [Kennedy] for gay rights.”  And erase any hint that he was ever pro-choice.  Or that his ancestors were polygamists. 
Welcome to the new world of politics as science fiction.  Hell, it’s better than when Sarah Palin turned it into a horror story.

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