The problems with Mitt Romney’s
campaign (and they are legion) are best summarized by the name of his PAC: “Restore Our Future.”
It makes about as much sense as
“Anticipate Our Past”—and it means precisely the same thing.
All kidding aside, as a lifelong
grammarian (even longer than I’ve been a Democrat), I could never bring myself
to vote for a man who can’t keep his tenses straight. I’ll let you slide on a split infinitive, but when you think
the future is the past, I must protest.
Romney wants to bring us forward
into yesterday—that glorious time when homosexuals stayed in the closet, women
were mere baby machines, and greed was the only American value.
I’ve been reading up on theoretical
physics lately, and the whole concept of time travel and alternate realities
completely stumped me. But maybe
Mitt’s smarter than I am when it comes to such things. Apparently, there’s an alternate
universe in which Obama lost the 2008 election, and by electing Romney we’ll
somehow reinstate it. You know,
like that season of Dallas that was
wiped away when Pam woke up and found the erstwhile dead Bobby in the shower.
Who needs Curiosity’s trip to
Mars? Mitt has already figured out
how to take us back to the future.
I’m sure there’s a Martian colony somewhere in that future. It’s probably where Mormon magic
underwear meets the thetans of Scientology. (Hey, I just thought of a surefire way to make the election
interesting—Tom Cruise for VP, anyone?
I understand he has a little free time these days.)
I think I’m on to something
here. If Mitt let his hair go gray
and went a little light on the gel, he could be a dead ringer for Christopher
Lloyd. And maybe it was a DeLorean
that his dog rode atop on that infamous trip to Ontario. It’s all starting to make sense now.
Like Marty McFly, Romney is intent
on changing the past in order to improve the future.
He wants to jump into his time machine, rewind the clock a
few years, and veto Romneycare.
And while he’s at it, he’ll neglect to say he’s “better than Ted
[Kennedy] for gay rights
erase any hint that he was ever pro-choice
Or that his ancestors were polygamists
Welcome to the new world of
politics as science fiction. Hell,
it’s better than when Sarah Palin turned it into a horror story.
Labels: abortion, Back to the Future, Christopher Lloyd, Curiosity, Dallas dream, gay rights, Mars, Marty McFly, Mitt Romney, Mormon, polygamy, Restore Our Future, Romneycare, Sarah Palin, Scientology, Tom Cruise